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| Dear Auntie,
It's been a year since you've left us and went to paradise. I miss you more than ever... There's no one to make pesto pasta anymore.. or eat pesto sauce with bread. No one to give me new snack recipes or to eat peanut butter and cheese sandwiches with. I wish so much that I had more time with you; that you could've seen you before you left. I wish I was there when it all happened. I wish you knew that I'd give my life for you to come back.. even if it was just for one day. So that you could see how big your boys are now and that they can spend one last day with their mom; that everyone would be able to say what they want to their sister and that grandma would be able to tell you how much she loves her daughter. I would give anything for that one day, that one moment to see you again. I don't know if you realize how many lives you had touched during your time on earth. I knew you were loving and caring to everyone and that you were very much loved by the community. But even I was surprised by the number of people that came to your funeral. I hope you know how much you were loved, how many lives you touched, and how much you are missed. You've made a huge difference and you did your job well. Because of you, I can forgive. I am able to forgive my dad, forgive everyone who did me wrong. Even forgive the guy that shot you.. I have no anger and hatred in me. Because I realize now that life is too short. I never know if tomorrow will come, and so there is not time for me to waste on anger and hatred. I thank you for that gift that you gave me. Every now and then, when I'm all alone at night, I look to the sky and talk to you. I hope can you hear me.... because i wanna tell you.. I love you and miss you with all my heart. But i know now, that you're with God; where you belong for all eternity. and someday. we will all be together because when the time comes, I hope you will be there to welcome me with open arms.
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| Today marks the 1 year anniversary of the death of my aunt Kim. So much has happened this past year and so much has changed. Because of the death, our family has become so much closer, spending as much time with each other as possible. We had lost sight of what was important. It took a tragic event that shook us to our core to make us realize how little time we have with one another and how what is really important is that we make as many memories together, as possible. We started flying in our cousins from texas for holidays and for the summer. Money is no longer a concern or a worry.. we do what we need to to be together.
Never in a million years did I think that I would be someone who would lose a love one before it was their time to go. Never in a miliion years would I think that it would be my aunt that would be the first to go. NEVER in a million years would I think she would die the way she did... but it did.. I DID lose a loved one, She DID die, and she WAS shot... How do you deal with something like that?! People give you life advice all the time. Your parents teach you all throughout your life on how to live. Teachers teach you so that you may be able to make it on your own. Friends teach you how to have fun, how to live life fully. But NO ONE teaches you how to deal with a lost of a loved one. NO ONE tells how you to cope, how to deal with it and how to move on..
When I found out. I was in shock.. I didn't know what to do. I knew exactly how I should be acting. But I was able to push aside my feelings, hope for the best.. no hope for a MIRACLE.cuz I remember thinking "this can't be happening. Everything is going to be ok. God wouldn't do this..not to our family.. not to my aunt.. they're good people.. My cousins, HER family.. they all need her.. " so I felt so sure that God was going to save her.. that he'd give us a miracle.. because we needed her..
But now I know, God doesn't take people from us. He had given us a gift. He sent us an angel and he was simply just calling her home. My aunt was a beautiful woman. She had the biggest heart that I knew. If only she could see how many lives she touched, how many lives she changed by simply being her. It's comforting to know that she's' in another place right now. Though I wish she could be here with us. The funny thing is, I don't feel like she's gone. Sure I know that she's been gone for a year now, but I still feel liek she's with us. I feel like I can just fly to texas and see her. You know.. I'm right. I can go to texas to visit her.. And she never left. I believe she's with us everyday, watching over my family and making sure we're all safe.
Dealing with the lost of a loved one taught me so much. It taught me that time heals all wounds. It taught me how to love bigger and to forgive. It taught me how unpredictable life is. It has opened my eyes to what is important and it forced me to search and open my eyes for what makes me happy. I've realized that tomorrow may never come and because of that, I have no time to be upset. I now make more time for what is important in my life: volunteering, family, art, seeing my grandma. Just simply slowing down a little and just enjoying what I already have. Now I know possessions mean nothing but it is how many lives I touch and how much I love, that means everything.
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| So Dae gave me a ride home the other night and the times that he gives me rides, which is like everytime i want to go home on the weekends, are times that i cherish SO much. Dae and I used to be incredibly close and i guess we still are really good friends. I used to talk and see him everyday but now I never see him and rarely talk to him. At first it was really hard to accept especially since he was going to school about 20 minutes away from me. but now I've gotten used to it and I accept it because I know he's a busy person and someone who wants to focus on his education. And I remember him saying in the summer, how he knows that sometimes it frustrates me how he puts his education/career before everyone and me, but that he loves that even if it bothers me, I won't ever stand in his way or try to slow him down a bit. ANYWAYS! to show how ambitious he is, I'll let you know that Dae is a freshmen at UW but credit wise, after this quarter, he will be a junior. He wants to go to graduate school on the east coast and about 3 weeks ago, he told me about it and asked if i'd go and visit him. of course i told him that he should just stay in washington or on the west coast, somewhere closer but eventually i agreed and promised that i'd visit him. as long as he'd take me to eat at some amazing italian resturaunts when i visit. I was kinda sad that he'd be going to graduate school on the east coast, but I know that it's good for what he's trying to achieve. Plus I figured that I could go and visit the east coast out of it. I also figured that I wouldn't even have to worry about it til 4 years later.
Then when he drives me home last night, I find out that he really could graduate next year and go off to graduate school a lot sooner than I like. I kind of choked up, and I told him that he should slow down; that he shouldn't be in such a hurry to get out into the real world. He told me that he's thinking about picking up a minor so that he can stay in washington longer.
I've been thinking about it ever since then and it makes me intensely sad to think that I could lose him (not literally) sooner than I was thought. It makes me want to cry everytime and it made me realize that even though we have a kind of tough love, love-hate relationship, he means more to me than i let on. When the time comes that he leaves washington, will probably be one of the hardest times for me with seperation. normally i deal with it perfectlly fine and i really don't get all that sad. Because i know that i'm not losing them forever. I know that i'm not losing dae for forever and that chances are, he'll come home to Seattle afterwards, but I'm not ready for him to leave quite yet. I didn't cry when my friend left for germany and moved there, I didn't cry when i graduated, i didn't cry when my other friends gradauated but i know for sure, that i will cry either when dae graduates or leaves. I guess it just shows how much I value as a friend.
i think what makes me sad the most is that I feel like we don't spend enough time together. and that it'd be easier if i felt that we spend a lot of time together or enough time. so for my VERY VERY late christmas present, i asked him for 8 hours of his time, uninterrupted and free to do whatever floats our boat. it'd definitely be a time i'd cherish and forever remember. i hope with all my heart that it happens, i gave him a deadline. and when it happens i'm sure to document it somehow. i guess i can honestly say that I care for dae deeply, that i cherish him like a brother, that everytime i talk to him, it makes me smile and makes my day. i can honestly I love my daisy.
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| so i just finished watching HSM 3. yea thats right, don't judge! i own all 3 of them and i love them. anways, at the end of the movie they all graduate and at first i was sad because theres no more highschool musicals. but then i started to get REALLY sad because it made me think of MY GRADUATION and my highschool memories. i started to cry. we were so anxious to get out of highschool, we hated our highschool, we were sick of school and all that ugly highschool stuff that went with it; drama, immaturity etc. and now i wish we weren't so anxious, that we took the time to enjoy what was left of it and most of all, i wish we took advantage of the time we had together.
when we graduated, it didn't really hit me that we were done with highschool. it was all surreal and felt like a dream because i had dreamt and thought of that moment all my life and it was finally happening. i couldn't grasp it. i didn't fully grasp the fact that all my friends were going to seperate schools and i was moving out when we had always planned and talked about going to the same schools and moving in together. i didn't realize it til my birthday, about a month before school started. i started to get so sad, and was regretting not applying to uw just so that i could go to school with my friends and live at home. like arielle wrote in my birthday letter, i had just realized that our support systems weren't going to be within arms reach anymore.
What happened to us? i'm not even sure if the people i call my closest friends, are really my closest friends. i feel so distant from them. i'm still emotionally close to them but i feel like it's because we have so much history that it's just easy to tell them things. but i feel like i don't know whats going on in their lives because i'm not constantly there. the 6 of us were supposed to be the bestest friends forever. we were supposed to ALWAYS be there for each other, not lose touch. i don't even talk to a couple of them unless we decide to have a random get together. i'm honestly scared to death of losing these girls and i feel like i'm holding on to our friendship by a rope. i'm fighting with all my might to hold on to them because i really feel that without them, i'd be so lost in the world, with no direction. i wouldn't know what to do with myself.
HSM 3 made me miss so much about the past, how me and my friends used to be. i used to see them everyday, they were my safety net, my inspirations, my motivation, my support system, my sisters, my best friends, my therapists, my decision consoltants, my antidrugs and most importantly, my family. those girls made me feel like the most lucky person in the world because i had people like them in my life. we went through so much together. we went through breakups, fights, drama, saturday school, heart aches, failures and successes. we'd volunteer with each other and see each other everyday. we were always so goffy, silly, ugly and booty. i miss having those girls around because we were so comfortable around each other. i have friends in college where i feel like i can't be my complete self and that i have to be cautious of how i act because i can't be as silly as i usually am with my old friends. i really wish we took advantage of the time we had together. we had a somoething that was supposed to help keep us together these next 4 years. but it failed before a year.
we had a fall out with a friend in oct and we're just starting to talk again. and things are a bit strained. but it's a start right? i'm usuallyokay with change and seperation but up until college started, things have been extremely tough for me to accept and let go of things. i guess soo many unfortunate things have happened that i'm so scared of losing those who are most important to me. i want to hold them close and hold them tight so that they may never slip through my fingers. i want to hold onto them forever and i pray to god that he doesn't take them away from me because they're supposed to be the ones that are there for life, when everyone else leaves,
i got a few tears out of that and i feel so much better about it. i think i've been so scared to think that i might be losing my friends that i refused to think about it or express any feelings about it.
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| it's been 2 weeks since my aunts 100 day anniversary of her death. i guess people usually do things for that but my family didn't.. i don't know why.
I don't think I ever really said how it was like for me. When I got the phone call of my mom bawling at midnight, I knew something was wrong, but never in a million years would I think that it would be this. At first, I had no clue what to do, how to react or anything. My roommate knew what was wrong; she could see it in my face, but I just didn't know how to feel. I knew that I should be crying, that I should be sad because this was my aunt dying, but I just couldn't bring myself to feel anything. It wasn't until I went out into the hallway and tried to call alex. because I knew that he'd be able to help me sort this kind of thing out. When he didn't pick up, I started crying. I had no clue who to call, who would be able to help me. I was scared for my cousins, what they were going through, I was worried about my sister, if she could handle my mom by herself while dealing with it and I was worried sick about my grandma and her reaction. I then went to the chapel to light a candle for her and prayed. No, I BEGGED God to help her, to take care of her. I don't know why, but I kept thinking, she's not going to die; miracles can happen, and I'm praying for a miracle. Everything HAD to be okay, because in my mind, I knew there were a lot of people praying for her life.
I was able to talk to Alex and he calmed me down. being the caring person he is, he offered to come and visit me and to spend the night with me to make sure i was okay. but I told him that it was fine because it was late, and he promised to come the next day to keep me company. I gave up on schoolwork that night and just tried to go to bed, but I couldn't. I cried myself to sleep and when I woke up that morning for school, I cried again. I saw Alex and he helped keep my mind off of it, but the moment that he left and my mom called me, I started bawling. Of course I wouldn't allow myself to cry so hard that my mom knew I was crying.
fastforwarding to texas. I got the texas during the last memorial session, the day before we buried her. It was her birthday, Oct 24. I stayed strong for the most part of the memorial, but when my cousins, her 3 sons, each read a letter to her, and her husband sand her a song, I broke down. I couldnt' take it. I had to turn away, sit somewhere alone, take deep breathes because I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to go in and sit with the family because I knew I wouldn't be able to face seeing my family this way. When it was time for all of us to say our goodbyes, I couldn't. I didn't want to go up to the casket, I was terrified to face my grandma and my uncle. I couldn't even say hi to my uncle and when I saw my mom, I broke down. It was extremely hard seeing my family that way and just thinking about it, brings tears to my eyes.
The whole funeral was so hard for me. Everytime my grandma or one of my aunts broke down, I had to step away from the crowd. I had to just take deep breathes and calm myself down. I couldn't go and drop the rose into her grave because it was just so hard for me to grasp that she's gone. ...
100 days later, January 26, was lunar new years.. ironic. It's like telling us that it's a new year, a new start from her death. I felt so sad the night before that day. I hadn't realized it had already been 100 days. Sometimes when I think about it now, I forget that my aunt is dead. I still feel like she's alive and just in Texas and that if I just fly down there, she'll be there to greet me at the airport like she's done before.
My cousin sent his letter to his mother to all my aunts and my mom sent me a copy. I saved the letter, but I haven't read it. I'm terrified to. I know that I'll cry and for some reason, I want to be able to read it without crying, but I know thats going to be a long time. So I guess I want someone to be with me when I read it, but I have no one. I have been holding in this depressing feeling inside for the past 2 weeks because I just couldn't let it out. During my weak times, I let a couple tears fall, but I pulled myself together immediately.
My grandma's 80th Birthday is coming up next weekend and my mom asked me to tell my cousin in las vegas and to ask him to come home for it. He wouldn't. He hadn't gone to my aunts funeral either and that really hurt me. The fact that he didnt come to be with family, to support all of us, and a family friend came? It's like he doens't want to be a part of our family anymore. He told me a couple days ago that it was because our family has no unconditional support because they don't support his decision to drop out of college and move to las veags. it hurts to know that he'll probably never see my grandma again because he refuses to come to family functions. it just gives me the sense that our family is falling apart and it puts an enormous weight on my heart. We already lost my aunt, and now we're losing my cousin. My grandma's not getting any younger either and my aunts are worried about my cousins and there have been talk about getting one of them a counselor. Just someone who he can talk to because he just internalizes all his feelings and emotions. It pains me so much because I want to reach a hand out to my cousin in las vegas and bring him home to family, I want to reach out a hand to my cousin and tell him it's okay to show his feelings, I want to reach out my hand and hold on to my grandma forever.
Dae tells me that I have a big heart and that I want to help everyone and make things okay for everyone, but I can't. I know that I can't but I can try right? I can't help it, it's what I do. So many emotions are just going through me right now; anger and frustration towards my cousin, sadness, loneliness, and overwhelmed.
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